Saturday, August 30, 2003
Friday
Start the day early Sarah re options appraisal and on the way in realise I am gigging at this Next Friday.
Thursday
Off to Speke to a practice meet real people and re-energise. The ever delightful Ann who agrees to support the Disco. Lunch with Kim and talk about real issues. Then back to the office and chugging along. No gym again - bad man.
Thursday, August 28, 2003
Wednesday
Need to fill in the gaps but meanwhile decide that just filling in the blanks will help somewhat. Started the day badly by waking up early breakfasting late and then .dumping, which isn't exactly what it sounds but is jolly awful.
Drop Ally at Nannas then off to work. Team meeting, some new faces, and some welcome old ones. Lunch with the delightful Olive, glad to see her back from the sick. Then a meeting with a nice audditor and then a dreadfully keen training sales man. On the phone in between to a photographer from the Nursing Standard. Ho hum I don't like being photographed. Look at web page that Lynn Jon and Gail have worked hard on. Gai; is off sick and I hope she is back real soon. Push disco tickets and off home. need to do something about that tonight. Home website, lasagne and then Winwick for the quiz. Very good to see Adair Mickey and Phil always a treat.
Drop Ally at Nannas then off to work. Team meeting, some new faces, and some welcome old ones. Lunch with the delightful Olive, glad to see her back from the sick. Then a meeting with a nice audditor and then a dreadfully keen training sales man. On the phone in between to a photographer from the Nursing Standard. Ho hum I don't like being photographed. Look at web page that Lynn Jon and Gail have worked hard on. Gai; is off sick and I hope she is back real soon. Push disco tickets and off home. need to do something about that tonight. Home website, lasagne and then Winwick for the quiz. Very good to see Adair Mickey and Phil always a treat.
Thursday, August 21, 2003
Thursday
Jean had an interview at frotress matchworks this am. Intermediate care team gig. She wants it badly so I help she gets it. Photographer calls at 11, He aint keen on the shots outside so he whisks me off to Calderstones park for a photo shoot. Very strange. Dont like this media stuff much. Off to tescos after for some prawns very nice. Spend the afternoon doing some invites for the doisco gig and sponsored walk in September. Takes all afternoon and helped by sister Mary in the end. Jean gets the Job and thats great news. Go out for tea to celebrate. Meet JK from the site afterwards to sort oput charity status. Home to watch :League of Gentlemen live with Ally.
Wednesday
Check out the Beatles experience down at the Albert Dock and coz its 20/08 Ally gets in for free enjoy it. Have a breton crepe and buy a tshirt. Most enjoyable.
Tuesday
Well news of the Nursing standard award is official now. Was a joint winner in the Gastroenterology and stoma care gig. Last time I won anything was on the bingo rhyl 1968. Made up and really pleased with the chance for publicity this brings for the site.
Holiday
I have dictated notes made from the records taken contemporaneously. Ally is typing them up using this nifty kit. Costing me 15 quid though.
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
Friday, August 08, 2003
Thursday
Jeans birthday celebrated today, probably too busy tomorrow. Happy start, lots of prezzies. I am afflicted by gout so spend the mornin hopping round. Discuss return of DLA with DSS, they find it difficult and want me to keep it. I strangely leave the house using a crutch looking more mobility impaired than ever. Self administered cocktail of anti-inflammatories kick in and sorted by lunch. When I find myself in Southport with Colin, watching two men fit a roof box to our car. Back home, speak to Richard web designer about relaunch. Off to mothers. Boots, weigh in 17stone 12lb ooer. thats 16 gone. Back home finishing stuff complete submission for this places award scheme. What are them pictures about? I dunno. In the evening call form Joan, Jennys mum to say she aint well can we leave later tomorrow. I go off to find Colin Jennys dad who has handed his mobile in. I sleep badly wake early sending stuff into work at something past 5. Right time for the off may be an opportunity for clandestine blogging who knows.
wednesday night
excellent birthday meal for jean at the other place joined by Ally who was impressed.
Went to the doctors for antibiotics then nipped into work then off to retail park.
Speak to Dympna chair of DOM top geezer, sounds to be already converted. She books me for a gig in december at their study day.
Went to the doctors for antibiotics then nipped into work then off to retail park.
Speak to Dympna chair of DOM top geezer, sounds to be already converted. She books me for a gig in december at their study day.
Wednesday, August 06, 2003
post match analysis
Well its done and a few hurdles climbed and dealt with. Train was almost an hour late but a pleasant enough journey. Met the charming Rebecca who bought me dinner. She looks different to the photos. Arrived the RCN HQ bit of a threatening gaff, up to room 212, surely 101. Met Chris Sudell Jennys partner, Jenny was in getting the grilling. I heard lafter coming out of there. Sounded like she was going down real well. She nominated me.
She came out we had a laff big time taking the rise out of each other. Then got loads of fotos took for the mag and booklet about the awards. Scary stuff and photographer saying to me to me, more chin (which one I asked, old habits die hard). Then it was in to the panel. I was bricking it. The chair of the panel was the president of the Royal College of Nursing. Top Geezer, dead nice then she made the panel introduce themselves.
Nice lady - chair of the gastroenterology sub group,.
Consulant nurse from A+E
Professor of something from somewhere.
Editor of the Nursing standard sort of like trade mag.
Independent nurse - called Mike Smith I burst out laffing. I trained with the geezer in 1980.
some top nurses about 4 more.
Then 4 helpers two writing notes. The whole thing was recorded as well.
Right she said off you go, so I did. Talk about motor mouth. The prez lady waved her card at 8 minutes, which meant I had two to go. I finished on cue and felt dead. Right she said over to you three tuff questions from the gastroenterology specialist. I challenged her im response but she admitted she knew nowt about WLS. Wants me to speak to her gang so a bit of work might come out of it.
The questioners all started by saying what a great thing I had achieved by losing the weight. There was a few gasps when they saw the photos. I made em laff probably a bit too much. But what the hell. I was dead honest.
Questions was hard. But I answered them all honestly and one woman accused me of underestimating what we had achieved.
There was only two in each category so Jenny Sudell thinks we is at least highly commended. The woman at the end said see you at the presentation dinner, so that was a bit of a hint.
Difficult to judge but they were a warm listening audience and I enjoyed the gig which is always my main objective. They asked me for examples of how we had touched lives and made a difference and I used a quote about a member and her son to illustrate what we is about.
Then it was back to Euston where I availed myself of a shower in Mr Bransons facilities
2. I am completely tatered, sat in the lounge with my hearing aids out and surfing their free wireless hotspot. So knakkered I aint much company.
Thanks to all for the positive vibes, I did feel like I had a lot of support today, as in everyday.
Now wait and see. Another days judging tomorrow.
Train 10 minutes late on return cheese salad and three drinks very pleasant. Got home and talked to the girls kernakkered.
She came out we had a laff big time taking the rise out of each other. Then got loads of fotos took for the mag and booklet about the awards. Scary stuff and photographer saying to me to me, more chin (which one I asked, old habits die hard). Then it was in to the panel. I was bricking it. The chair of the panel was the president of the Royal College of Nursing. Top Geezer, dead nice then she made the panel introduce themselves.
Nice lady - chair of the gastroenterology sub group,.
Consulant nurse from A+E
Professor of something from somewhere.
Editor of the Nursing standard sort of like trade mag.
Independent nurse - called Mike Smith I burst out laffing. I trained with the geezer in 1980.
some top nurses about 4 more.
Then 4 helpers two writing notes. The whole thing was recorded as well.
Right she said off you go, so I did. Talk about motor mouth. The prez lady waved her card at 8 minutes, which meant I had two to go. I finished on cue and felt dead. Right she said over to you three tuff questions from the gastroenterology specialist. I challenged her im response but she admitted she knew nowt about WLS. Wants me to speak to her gang so a bit of work might come out of it.
The questioners all started by saying what a great thing I had achieved by losing the weight. There was a few gasps when they saw the photos. I made em laff probably a bit too much. But what the hell. I was dead honest.
Questions was hard. But I answered them all honestly and one woman accused me of underestimating what we had achieved.
There was only two in each category so Jenny Sudell thinks we is at least highly commended. The woman at the end said see you at the presentation dinner, so that was a bit of a hint.
Difficult to judge but they were a warm listening audience and I enjoyed the gig which is always my main objective. They asked me for examples of how we had touched lives and made a difference and I used a quote about a member and her son to illustrate what we is about.
Then it was back to Euston where I availed myself of a shower in Mr Bransons facilities
2. I am completely tatered, sat in the lounge with my hearing aids out and surfing their free wireless hotspot. So knakkered I aint much company.
Thanks to all for the positive vibes, I did feel like I had a lot of support today, as in everyday.
Now wait and see. Another days judging tomorrow.
Train 10 minutes late on return cheese salad and three drinks very pleasant. Got home and talked to the girls kernakkered.
Off to the smoke
Now Liverpool is a big city, but it aint like London. Thats a scary frightening place. Gold pavements and the queens house. Soldiers with red suits on every street corner. Pearly kings and queens and jellied eels. It scares me going there I know its irrational but it does. I hate the Toob, scary s I go everywhere by taxi even if its over 5 yards. Though I aint been with this new body so it should be easier.
Already told three people what my plans are so I thought I'd post it up.
10.30 train to Euston arrives 13.35 (alledgedly), bought first class upgrade courtesy of the RCN.
Meeting Rebecca off the train going to "do lunch" no stolly and bolly though
The appointment is 4pm at the RCN headquarters in Cavendish Place?? Then train back at 7pm. the giig at the coleege is only 20 minutes so if anyone fancies a bevvy and is free let me know. Failing that I am going for a shower and a surf in the First class lounge at Euston. Is there like a left luggage thingy at Euston, so I can take some casual threads to change into? I have no doubt I might be a little bit perspiration soaked by 4.30, not to mention jittery of the bum. Well thats me. Provicincial boy fron up north - where its grim and we keep coal in't bath Aye but we do like t'internet. Reet I'll have to go ferrets need mucking out.
Already told three people what my plans are so I thought I'd post it up.
10.30 train to Euston arrives 13.35 (alledgedly), bought first class upgrade courtesy of the RCN.
Meeting Rebecca off the train going to "do lunch" no stolly and bolly though
The appointment is 4pm at the RCN headquarters in Cavendish Place?? Then train back at 7pm. the giig at the coleege is only 20 minutes so if anyone fancies a bevvy and is free let me know. Failing that I am going for a shower and a surf in the First class lounge at Euston. Is there like a left luggage thingy at Euston, so I can take some casual threads to change into? I have no doubt I might be a little bit perspiration soaked by 4.30, not to mention jittery of the bum. Well thats me. Provicincial boy fron up north - where its grim and we keep coal in't bath Aye but we do like t'internet. Reet I'll have to go ferrets need mucking out.
Tuesday, August 05, 2003
Don't read if Squeamish - You have been warned
Yesterday in work we got talking about bowels and my op so for Gail and Sue the monster stories reproduced in full from WLSINFO.
A Roux en Y has two essential functions. Firstly it is a restrictive procedure, producing a small stomach, secondly it causes a malabsorption syndrome by bypassing a significant part of your gut.
I sometimes have doubted about the malabsorption bit and thought - doesnt affect me much but then over the last few weeks I have started to notice a few things changing in the bottom department. Let me elaborate.
I occaisionally like cheese, high quality tasty stuff easily digested good source of protein but it is jam full of fat. Before anyway says don't eat that at all that sort of punitive **** got my head to where it was pre op I think treats in moderation are ESSENTIAL:. When they become a habit thats when there is a problem. I am losing and feel good so I am going to continue.
This fat in the cheese is not fully absorbed anyway - how do I know this. It results in a phenomena called steatorrhea - pale bulky offensive smelling pooh. It wont flush down the bog it is a killer it just sits there defiantly smiling at you. In a sod you sort of way.
This curse first struck the night I had been to see Gordon in Leeds I remember because I had just nipped upstairs for quick number two when the monster appeared. It would not shift no matter what I did and it stunk. No probs usually but we had a house guest. And this was not for shifting. I tried it all to get it to go and that was a well formed number it would not sink the stress near killed me. But I would not be beaten.
I posted my experience on a nurses docs list and asked for help. One woman said add a drop of washing up liquid it breaks the surface tension and the jobbie slips away.
I tried this then replied saying saying dont put in too much coz your bog can end up foaming at the mouth and looking at like a scene from Dr Who (or Doctor Poo)
1 woman suggested slicing the beasts with a sharp implement - interesting but she had tested it and just found it harder to deal with loads of small floaters.
Jenny a member here contacted me and suggest sticking a cocktail stick win each jobbie with a union jack on and playing the national anthem to encourage them.
The best was a woman who told me this - when out she always putes a jiffy bag in her handbag fishes the beast out and seals it up. Depositing it some where eco friendly later.
2 things struck me OK for women you can carry a handbag but it might look a bit suss if I ask for a Jiffy bag when I need the bog - and what size should I buy - I might need a ruck sack sized one.
But more worrying what if it aint one torpedo type jobbie which is relatively easy to manage - honest. What if I have the wildies?????
This could be bad it needs more thinking about.
I do worry about this stuff, what if I am loose what if it is gagantuan in proportion what if it hapeens at work.
Then yesterday it happened I had gargantuan diarrhoea steatorrhoea at work. Thing is whats done is done. Learn how I dealt with it (or not) in part two after work.
If anyone was ooffended sorry but we all do it. Just not like me
More to follow
Part two
Previously on Pooh Story WLS guy smelly floaty unflushable once a day solid at home.
Yesterday the tale unfolds.
I was at my desk the pain in my left side started to nag a dull rumble distant thunder on a summers evening. Growing gnawing aching then subsiding, it gets worse belly swells a gas build up fart required. Open plan office forbids this. Stand outside in rain outside the boardroom trying to hoom inconspicuously. Caught off guard by a change in the wind direction, that was close no windows open. Walk around the belly drums roar the 9 o'clock express usually a strictly once a day service is coming back again. The electronic door thing mitigates against me it wont work, a turtles head is popping and I am alarmed. Senior managers don't have touching cloth incidents. Just not in line with the corporate image not to mention the whiff and the squelch everytime you sit down.
Up or down disabled or ordinary too many decisions will a first floor detonation take out more casualties. Hobble cheeks squeezed tightly to the stairs. Chairman wants to discuss aspects of strategic development and general natter I just need to go NOW. Five minutes later bent double and barely hanging on I hop up the stairs. The are only two traps in the gents and five staff never been both been occupied before, please lord.
Free Trap 1, trap 2 engaged hope its not the chief exec sit quietly regain composure the cold seat on bum sends the signal chocks away no control. The building vibrates and the seismic research centre records a 3.4 epicentre Speke. The noise is a cacophony of ear abuse the occupant of the next cubicle flees auditory canals bleeding and deaf.
There is a strange silence, a wave of heat passes up from the epicentre the local fly population arrive for a fest, then it hits - it stinks and this is the smallest room in the house. I am trapped in here and what can I do next???????????????
There is a lot of it in there not much good at estimating weight but several pounds is the initial estimate. Oh dear this is is not good Houston we have a problem. Paperwork is easy.
Lets try a flush Bog monster laffs eats paper then burps this is not good. I work in a designer built office made by and for people who eat sushi and have colonic irrigation in a clinic. The flush is obviously eco friendly to and removes the gear with about a teaspoon of water. Thats the theory flush, no response its taking a long time to fill good it must be a big cistern mebbe first was just unlucky. Flush - haha says bog monster, I am beginning to see facial features appear in the morass.
Plan B cover it with paper and walk away whistling , no there are only 5 guys ones the chief exec. The other four of us will need to produce, then they will have a turd identity parade and I'll be fingered for the jobbie.
Relax man pull yourself together all this stuff will make you nervous which will just make you ...... too late another pan filler still good news its eat bog monster one.
Radical action called for. Shut bog door run to pc print out of order sign find paper fill printer get sellotape stick sign on door. Stand breathless in the cubicle flush lift. Its got bigger there is more. Downstairs airfreshener inconspicuous yellow bucket. Back upstairs damn bucket too big to fit in to gap between sink and tap.
Due in meeting fifteen minutes ago. Last time I went missing I was asleep in the bog, told them if it happened again to come find me. Oh no.
Tried to help the monster go by shooing it away with bog brush not nice he spits and makes messy. Oh dear stupid boy. Now what do I do with that. Wash it in sink. Think - if I do the chief exec is bound to catch me it done look good. Take it into trap 2 flush and shake clean ok a victory apply paper wait flush hold press pray lift tara , no evidence sure I hear the x-files music...............
Plenty more of the same old stuff if required.
Negative feedback also accepted.
Part Three
The early morning express came early today. I was dancing on the landing in what can be best be described as the terminal stages of intestinal hurry. Alison was in the bahroom contemplating thefuture of the universe while I bang on the door. Out she comes in I go chocks away, then I sit down. Close.
Fine clear out another twenty pound carp (thanks Mick). Latest disposal involves the following trawling the bucket into Allys Bath and filling it that way the cinnamon and cloves flavour is nice too. Bung thatin the pan and scare the bog monster off. While doing a hakka - the dance the Kiwi rugby team do. Plan works well but for a system design failure. A large heavy object falls into the pan from the bucket. I yelp - open mouth not good in splash back situation. Wipe Glasses scream again - wife comes faints with acrid whiff. I resuscitate her, and look in with torch bog monster eating blue nylon thing. A body puff Jean tells me. A nylon device my daughter uses to wash herself. Let it go or retrieve a split second decision. Fortunately clad only in boxxers I ask Jean to grab my feet and I strap a plank to my bum. In goes the arm up to the shoulder, the beast is not keen to release I get it out he burps, boy he has BAD breath, decision put it back in the bath or dispose.
Answer see here Picture
Boy the poll tax is woth paying here.
I am sat shaking in the bedroom Ken 1 Beast O
Part 4
am lucky my job (jobbie) takes me out and about. Which is good. But lord my body has changed it dipenses foul substances in vast quantities with alarming regularity at the most inconvenient times, with little warning.
I have already shared some thoughts on the subject but join me know on my musings as I share my travels.
Yorkshire, conference in posh golf club couple of weeks ago. Seems fine all going well. The day comes to end business agreed my two colleagues and our supplier walk down the stairs the garden is loverly, those flowers the're so pretty but what an uncharacteristic fragrance. Is that rotten eggs and old fish tanks - Ken what do you think? I am off being chased by an acrid cloud of green vapour. Fart monster is awake and needs controlling. Once it roars it can't stop people lie wretching on the floor, wafting the air with their hands. I bend double in pain, the rise in pressure has but one effect an increase in pressure result more gas discharges. This needs taking out. I can't find the bog no toilets, I know they are anally retentive in Yorkshire but no toilets my god.
They have sky TV a but no toilets. I see a sign Gentlemans locker room - I enter toiletish tiled thats a good sign, smell getting better, full of toffs, oh no, I hear the tinkling of a distant flush no its my guts ruminating. A shower that'll do I'm desperate. No good a fixed head can't guarantee evidence disposal. A bin, Its a bag fixed to the wall wouldn't take the weight. Then I see it the worlds smallest cubicle - but it is a bog sit down jobbie, the vangelis music from chariots of fire starts in the background - delights bursts out across my face - DAMN Engaged I start my one man war dance outside the door the occupant is obviously very deaf, I am hopping shouting banging, Come you in there get out I have major surgery. Then I push the door it opens - quick inspection all necessary in place kecks down chocks away. YES YES YES! Noisy though full sound effects whoops of delight and bum joins in with full symphonic chorus. I feel good reach for the paper - OH NO. NO paper no probs wait a minute someone will be in. Ring John on Mobile phone he is outside no DAMN signal. OK Boys Brigade training kicks in keep a cool head under fire what is there within hopping distance.
I empty my pockets, three tissues one used the conference programme, a glossy and a piece of A4 a pen mobile phone swiss armyknife and a packet of polos. Wallet and credit cards. post it notes. Consider several options which start at scraping bot with credit card and end with self amputation of the bum. I make do and mend as my mother might say. Job done.
Press on flush - nowt, flush ok not bad but this slick will take some shifting. I do the best I can after six flushes, At which point I am swearing and kicking the bog loudly. 50% gone I write a pleading note to the cleaner apologising claiming medical immunity and attach five pounds saying having have a drink on me.
At this rate I will be skint by Christmas
Leave via the bar and say to the bar steward excuse me my good man someone seems to have been very ill in the lavvie.
Come out and pretend to have been deep in a mobile phone conversation in the bar I apologise to me colleagues who are stood outside a small open window, with frosted glass. I said to John a very very good friend later on the way home. I wasn't on the phone you know he said we know, Good Job linda smokes but pity we weren't deaf.
The crapmeister general
Part 5
Off to France on Friday worried about the bogs. The journey to plymouth is easy the one stop visit is easy. Services just leave an apology and a note for the staff after the cursory three flushes. As a service to the WLS community I will post my journey on the site so you can take precautions and plan your day accordingly.
The overnight ferry now that worries me buit its a big boat I thik. I'll start a pooh cruise of my own furthest end of the ship from the cabin. Never go back to the scene of the crime they'll never track me down. If they do they wont have the time to organise an identity parade. Unless I'm unlucky and there is a WLS support group on board.
France - now thats easier, unless Interpol have warned them I'm coming (surely Interpoo). That could be messy.
The gite, the nice caretaker just rang up, hope it isn't a septic (or even sceptic tank again) seven days doos wont be nice. If the man comes to empty it when we are there I'm done for. Then again could always ask him to insert his appliance directly and give me a good emptying.
Also the proximity is a risk, its ok for Jean and Ally they are immune now, but we are going with Colin Hannah and Jenny. Hope there are two bogs I can then be isolated. Buy a bucket first job (jobbie) on arrival. Hope its not a siphonic flush they are hopeless.
Jean suggested dumping in the sea - we are only 3k from the beach. Problem is I cant swim. so only go in up to my knees. Thought of slipping and drowning in that doesnt appeal.
And remember the beast floats no surreptitious work for me. Its full on stuff. And the tide - it could turn nasty
Holiday snap 1
And don't forget the beast is a thinking living organism, once it smells freedom it could do anything.
Like this Holiday snap 2
Oh no its got me webcam
I could go down to the beach at night now I just need to find a tidetable on GOOGLE.
Vive la difference
So practice this phrase with me
Je suis désolé que j'ai bloqué la toilette. J'ai eu une opération et mes matières fécales est difficile de rincer. L'odeur est désagréable, je suis extrêmement désolé. Ma femme s'est évanouie et mon enfant vomit. Faire j'ai besoin d'informer la police. Est là -bas un groupe de soutien de Chirurgie de Perte de poids près d'ici.
Thanks to Translator
I am sorry I have blocked the toilet. I have had an operation and my faeces is difficult to flush. The smell is unpleasant , I am extremely sorry. My wife has fainted and my child is vomitting. Do I need to inform the police. Is there a weight Loss Surgery support group near here.
For those of you who haven't encountered the beast this is part of a series all in the forum toilet matters. Make sure you have show all topics set. Apologies to the faint hearted but you was warned.
Part 6
The bog beast hasn't been out of Liverpool much since he first appeared. A little trip to Yorkshire thats all.
But today I am taking him on the train, and the thought has me a little worried. So being an anxious person I made a plan. Remember what anxiety does to the bog monster its his friend?
I booked a first class upgrade 15 quid each way and free tea and danish. Nicer seats too.
other advantage usually at one end of the train Hope its the front. Cause then first dump I'll walk along to the end of the train past standard class and into steerage. Chocks away in there. There's no way Mr Bransons paltry flush will deal with it so I aint even bothering. Come out of the bog proud and smiling and much lighter. The whole carriage will of course be vacated within moments. I shall then retreat to first class reporting to the "train manager" (whats that about) that an unpleasant peasant has been quite poorly, and he should jettison the offending carriage.
I reckon the journey is three hours planned, bog monster is half an hour to regroup and perform. Average Inter city (surely InterSh*tty)train is 10 carriages long.
No problemo jobs a good 'un Here we arriving at Euston
Train manager my A**E
A Roux en Y has two essential functions. Firstly it is a restrictive procedure, producing a small stomach, secondly it causes a malabsorption syndrome by bypassing a significant part of your gut.
I sometimes have doubted about the malabsorption bit and thought - doesnt affect me much but then over the last few weeks I have started to notice a few things changing in the bottom department. Let me elaborate.
I occaisionally like cheese, high quality tasty stuff easily digested good source of protein but it is jam full of fat. Before anyway says don't eat that at all that sort of punitive **** got my head to where it was pre op I think treats in moderation are ESSENTIAL:. When they become a habit thats when there is a problem. I am losing and feel good so I am going to continue.
This fat in the cheese is not fully absorbed anyway - how do I know this. It results in a phenomena called steatorrhea - pale bulky offensive smelling pooh. It wont flush down the bog it is a killer it just sits there defiantly smiling at you. In a sod you sort of way.
This curse first struck the night I had been to see Gordon in Leeds I remember because I had just nipped upstairs for quick number two when the monster appeared. It would not shift no matter what I did and it stunk. No probs usually but we had a house guest. And this was not for shifting. I tried it all to get it to go and that was a well formed number it would not sink the stress near killed me. But I would not be beaten.
I posted my experience on a nurses docs list and asked for help. One woman said add a drop of washing up liquid it breaks the surface tension and the jobbie slips away.
I tried this then replied saying saying dont put in too much coz your bog can end up foaming at the mouth and looking at like a scene from Dr Who (or Doctor Poo)
1 woman suggested slicing the beasts with a sharp implement - interesting but she had tested it and just found it harder to deal with loads of small floaters.
Jenny a member here contacted me and suggest sticking a cocktail stick win each jobbie with a union jack on and playing the national anthem to encourage them.
The best was a woman who told me this - when out she always putes a jiffy bag in her handbag fishes the beast out and seals it up. Depositing it some where eco friendly later.
2 things struck me OK for women you can carry a handbag but it might look a bit suss if I ask for a Jiffy bag when I need the bog - and what size should I buy - I might need a ruck sack sized one.
But more worrying what if it aint one torpedo type jobbie which is relatively easy to manage - honest. What if I have the wildies?????
This could be bad it needs more thinking about.
I do worry about this stuff, what if I am loose what if it is gagantuan in proportion what if it hapeens at work.
Then yesterday it happened I had gargantuan diarrhoea steatorrhoea at work. Thing is whats done is done. Learn how I dealt with it (or not) in part two after work.
If anyone was ooffended sorry but we all do it. Just not like me
More to follow
Part two
Previously on Pooh Story WLS guy smelly floaty unflushable once a day solid at home.
Yesterday the tale unfolds.
I was at my desk the pain in my left side started to nag a dull rumble distant thunder on a summers evening. Growing gnawing aching then subsiding, it gets worse belly swells a gas build up fart required. Open plan office forbids this. Stand outside in rain outside the boardroom trying to hoom inconspicuously. Caught off guard by a change in the wind direction, that was close no windows open. Walk around the belly drums roar the 9 o'clock express usually a strictly once a day service is coming back again. The electronic door thing mitigates against me it wont work, a turtles head is popping and I am alarmed. Senior managers don't have touching cloth incidents. Just not in line with the corporate image not to mention the whiff and the squelch everytime you sit down.
Up or down disabled or ordinary too many decisions will a first floor detonation take out more casualties. Hobble cheeks squeezed tightly to the stairs. Chairman wants to discuss aspects of strategic development and general natter I just need to go NOW. Five minutes later bent double and barely hanging on I hop up the stairs. The are only two traps in the gents and five staff never been both been occupied before, please lord.
Free Trap 1, trap 2 engaged hope its not the chief exec sit quietly regain composure the cold seat on bum sends the signal chocks away no control. The building vibrates and the seismic research centre records a 3.4 epicentre Speke. The noise is a cacophony of ear abuse the occupant of the next cubicle flees auditory canals bleeding and deaf.
There is a strange silence, a wave of heat passes up from the epicentre the local fly population arrive for a fest, then it hits - it stinks and this is the smallest room in the house. I am trapped in here and what can I do next???????????????
There is a lot of it in there not much good at estimating weight but several pounds is the initial estimate. Oh dear this is is not good Houston we have a problem. Paperwork is easy.
Lets try a flush Bog monster laffs eats paper then burps this is not good. I work in a designer built office made by and for people who eat sushi and have colonic irrigation in a clinic. The flush is obviously eco friendly to and removes the gear with about a teaspoon of water. Thats the theory flush, no response its taking a long time to fill good it must be a big cistern mebbe first was just unlucky. Flush - haha says bog monster, I am beginning to see facial features appear in the morass.
Plan B cover it with paper and walk away whistling , no there are only 5 guys ones the chief exec. The other four of us will need to produce, then they will have a turd identity parade and I'll be fingered for the jobbie.
Relax man pull yourself together all this stuff will make you nervous which will just make you ...... too late another pan filler still good news its eat bog monster one.
Radical action called for. Shut bog door run to pc print out of order sign find paper fill printer get sellotape stick sign on door. Stand breathless in the cubicle flush lift. Its got bigger there is more. Downstairs airfreshener inconspicuous yellow bucket. Back upstairs damn bucket too big to fit in to gap between sink and tap.
Due in meeting fifteen minutes ago. Last time I went missing I was asleep in the bog, told them if it happened again to come find me. Oh no.
Tried to help the monster go by shooing it away with bog brush not nice he spits and makes messy. Oh dear stupid boy. Now what do I do with that. Wash it in sink. Think - if I do the chief exec is bound to catch me it done look good. Take it into trap 2 flush and shake clean ok a victory apply paper wait flush hold press pray lift tara , no evidence sure I hear the x-files music...............
Plenty more of the same old stuff if required.
Negative feedback also accepted.
Part Three
The early morning express came early today. I was dancing on the landing in what can be best be described as the terminal stages of intestinal hurry. Alison was in the bahroom contemplating thefuture of the universe while I bang on the door. Out she comes in I go chocks away, then I sit down. Close.
Fine clear out another twenty pound carp (thanks Mick). Latest disposal involves the following trawling the bucket into Allys Bath and filling it that way the cinnamon and cloves flavour is nice too. Bung thatin the pan and scare the bog monster off. While doing a hakka - the dance the Kiwi rugby team do. Plan works well but for a system design failure. A large heavy object falls into the pan from the bucket. I yelp - open mouth not good in splash back situation. Wipe Glasses scream again - wife comes faints with acrid whiff. I resuscitate her, and look in with torch bog monster eating blue nylon thing. A body puff Jean tells me. A nylon device my daughter uses to wash herself. Let it go or retrieve a split second decision. Fortunately clad only in boxxers I ask Jean to grab my feet and I strap a plank to my bum. In goes the arm up to the shoulder, the beast is not keen to release I get it out he burps, boy he has BAD breath, decision put it back in the bath or dispose.
Answer see here Picture
Boy the poll tax is woth paying here.
I am sat shaking in the bedroom Ken 1 Beast O
Part 4
am lucky my job (jobbie) takes me out and about. Which is good. But lord my body has changed it dipenses foul substances in vast quantities with alarming regularity at the most inconvenient times, with little warning.
I have already shared some thoughts on the subject but join me know on my musings as I share my travels.
Yorkshire, conference in posh golf club couple of weeks ago. Seems fine all going well. The day comes to end business agreed my two colleagues and our supplier walk down the stairs the garden is loverly, those flowers the're so pretty but what an uncharacteristic fragrance. Is that rotten eggs and old fish tanks - Ken what do you think? I am off being chased by an acrid cloud of green vapour. Fart monster is awake and needs controlling. Once it roars it can't stop people lie wretching on the floor, wafting the air with their hands. I bend double in pain, the rise in pressure has but one effect an increase in pressure result more gas discharges. This needs taking out. I can't find the bog no toilets, I know they are anally retentive in Yorkshire but no toilets my god.
They have sky TV a but no toilets. I see a sign Gentlemans locker room - I enter toiletish tiled thats a good sign, smell getting better, full of toffs, oh no, I hear the tinkling of a distant flush no its my guts ruminating. A shower that'll do I'm desperate. No good a fixed head can't guarantee evidence disposal. A bin, Its a bag fixed to the wall wouldn't take the weight. Then I see it the worlds smallest cubicle - but it is a bog sit down jobbie, the vangelis music from chariots of fire starts in the background - delights bursts out across my face - DAMN Engaged I start my one man war dance outside the door the occupant is obviously very deaf, I am hopping shouting banging, Come you in there get out I have major surgery. Then I push the door it opens - quick inspection all necessary in place kecks down chocks away. YES YES YES! Noisy though full sound effects whoops of delight and bum joins in with full symphonic chorus. I feel good reach for the paper - OH NO. NO paper no probs wait a minute someone will be in. Ring John on Mobile phone he is outside no DAMN signal. OK Boys Brigade training kicks in keep a cool head under fire what is there within hopping distance.
I empty my pockets, three tissues one used the conference programme, a glossy and a piece of A4 a pen mobile phone swiss armyknife and a packet of polos. Wallet and credit cards. post it notes. Consider several options which start at scraping bot with credit card and end with self amputation of the bum. I make do and mend as my mother might say. Job done.
Press on flush - nowt, flush ok not bad but this slick will take some shifting. I do the best I can after six flushes, At which point I am swearing and kicking the bog loudly. 50% gone I write a pleading note to the cleaner apologising claiming medical immunity and attach five pounds saying having have a drink on me.
At this rate I will be skint by Christmas
Leave via the bar and say to the bar steward excuse me my good man someone seems to have been very ill in the lavvie.
Come out and pretend to have been deep in a mobile phone conversation in the bar I apologise to me colleagues who are stood outside a small open window, with frosted glass. I said to John a very very good friend later on the way home. I wasn't on the phone you know he said we know, Good Job linda smokes but pity we weren't deaf.
The crapmeister general
Part 5
Off to France on Friday worried about the bogs. The journey to plymouth is easy the one stop visit is easy. Services just leave an apology and a note for the staff after the cursory three flushes. As a service to the WLS community I will post my journey on the site so you can take precautions and plan your day accordingly.
The overnight ferry now that worries me buit its a big boat I thik. I'll start a pooh cruise of my own furthest end of the ship from the cabin. Never go back to the scene of the crime they'll never track me down. If they do they wont have the time to organise an identity parade. Unless I'm unlucky and there is a WLS support group on board.
France - now thats easier, unless Interpol have warned them I'm coming (surely Interpoo). That could be messy.
The gite, the nice caretaker just rang up, hope it isn't a septic (or even sceptic tank again) seven days doos wont be nice. If the man comes to empty it when we are there I'm done for. Then again could always ask him to insert his appliance directly and give me a good emptying.
Also the proximity is a risk, its ok for Jean and Ally they are immune now, but we are going with Colin Hannah and Jenny. Hope there are two bogs I can then be isolated. Buy a bucket first job (jobbie) on arrival. Hope its not a siphonic flush they are hopeless.
Jean suggested dumping in the sea - we are only 3k from the beach. Problem is I cant swim. so only go in up to my knees. Thought of slipping and drowning in that doesnt appeal.
And remember the beast floats no surreptitious work for me. Its full on stuff. And the tide - it could turn nasty
Holiday snap 1
And don't forget the beast is a thinking living organism, once it smells freedom it could do anything.
Like this Holiday snap 2
Oh no its got me webcam
I could go down to the beach at night now I just need to find a tidetable on GOOGLE.
Vive la difference
So practice this phrase with me
Je suis désolé que j'ai bloqué la toilette. J'ai eu une opération et mes matières fécales est difficile de rincer. L'odeur est désagréable, je suis extrêmement désolé. Ma femme s'est évanouie et mon enfant vomit. Faire j'ai besoin d'informer la police. Est là -bas un groupe de soutien de Chirurgie de Perte de poids près d'ici.
Thanks to Translator
I am sorry I have blocked the toilet. I have had an operation and my faeces is difficult to flush. The smell is unpleasant , I am extremely sorry. My wife has fainted and my child is vomitting. Do I need to inform the police. Is there a weight Loss Surgery support group near here.
For those of you who haven't encountered the beast this is part of a series all in the forum toilet matters. Make sure you have show all topics set. Apologies to the faint hearted but you was warned.
Part 6
The bog beast hasn't been out of Liverpool much since he first appeared. A little trip to Yorkshire thats all.
But today I am taking him on the train, and the thought has me a little worried. So being an anxious person I made a plan. Remember what anxiety does to the bog monster its his friend?
I booked a first class upgrade 15 quid each way and free tea and danish. Nicer seats too.
other advantage usually at one end of the train Hope its the front. Cause then first dump I'll walk along to the end of the train past standard class and into steerage. Chocks away in there. There's no way Mr Bransons paltry flush will deal with it so I aint even bothering. Come out of the bog proud and smiling and much lighter. The whole carriage will of course be vacated within moments. I shall then retreat to first class reporting to the "train manager" (whats that about) that an unpleasant peasant has been quite poorly, and he should jettison the offending carriage.
I reckon the journey is three hours planned, bog monster is half an hour to regroup and perform. Average Inter city (surely InterSh*tty)train is 10 carriages long.
No problemo jobs a good 'un Here we arriving at Euston
Train manager my A**E
Monday, August 04, 2003
Nursing Standard - the professional home for nurses on the net
Nursing Standard - the professional home for nurses on the netThe lowdown on last years winners of the gig I am up for in London.
Concorde Chair: Executive Desk Chair with Pulsor Massage (model 2416-18)
Concorde Chair: Executive Desk Chair with Pulsor Massage (model 2416-18)
My access to work chair which I no longer use.
My access to work chair which I no longer use.
Sunday. Summers here
Sunday morning work at the PC attempt and then fail to put an essay to bed. Make note to send pleading letter to Sheffield tomorrow. Girls go out for lunch I make do with a delicious count on us chicken lasagne triangles. Very tasty and just the job for this small stomached boy. Jean and Ally return with Colin Hannah and Jenny. Experiment withFlex 7, hours of fun. Then we simulate driving to France by going to Otterspool well its the first time we try the car with 6 in, Glad I aint Jean she is in the back. Have an ice cream at the promenade, really enjoy it.
Back home for a cold collation read a book about Overeaters anonymous not sure but some of it has echoes for me.
Discover there is a cybercafe in St Malo. Yipee. Right off to work. Last day.
Back home for a cold collation read a book about Overeaters anonymous not sure but some of it has echoes for me.
Discover there is a cybercafe in St Malo. Yipee. Right off to work. Last day.
Sunday, August 03, 2003
Saturday
Website stuff takes the fore. Getting there and a lot to sort afore I go away. The gang on there amaze me boy we done well 148 members and nearly 10,000 posts in 6 months. Bit nervous about the presentation thing in London. Kim sorted me out with some tickets, cap doffed, nice one mate. Off to gym saturday afternoon. Too hot but a good time. Back to Nanny Banks for the saturday ritual. Nanny has a had a fall and the Emergency Response Team have been there, I think. Who would know once its been though the scrambler there is nochance of sorting it out. Mum dont look well, her abdo is swollen she is breathless and legs are puffy. I encoursge her in the general direction of the GP's. She feels ok though she says. I have to admit I dont think she tells me the truth since the last time I had her bundled off to the Royal.
Still, never mind. Have tea and then a very pleasant saturday evening spent in Borders top gaff but costs a bloody fortune every time we go. Buy more birthday presents.
Our thoughts turn to holidays and we get into a mad frenzy of planning. The caretaker from the gite we are stopping in rings up. Can't wait.
Still, never mind. Have tea and then a very pleasant saturday evening spent in Borders top gaff but costs a bloody fortune every time we go. Buy more birthday presents.
Our thoughts turn to holidays and we get into a mad frenzy of planning. The caretaker from the gite we are stopping in rings up. Can't wait.
Saturday, August 02, 2003
Friday
Started at 3 am too early for me, picked Ruth and Paul up at 3.45 then off to Manchester. Worked at the PC then crawled backi nto our bed which already seemed full.
A fruitful day and i even find time for a bit of essay writing. Off to see Dr M at Speke, went ok back to the mtchworks via boots for some grub. Tony from the auditors in the afternoon top flight bloke. Sense of humour - Auditor thats two that I have met- yes Kim you are the other one. Friday night and its off to a secret party at the Tudor rooms. Dave a guy I work with has been in a war in the gulf. So bedecked in Union Jacks we're away. I found it difficult to square his going with my political beliefs. I wished him well and it appears that we are all celebrating his return which is something to give thanks for. He hasn't had a very good time but he don't make a fuss. I have a few pints of guinees with the mccoy man. Shock our wives by having our picture taken together, Jean calls him my greasy lover, a very derogatory term for a top geezer.
A fruitful day and i even find time for a bit of essay writing. Off to see Dr M at Speke, went ok back to the mtchworks via boots for some grub. Tony from the auditors in the afternoon top flight bloke. Sense of humour - Auditor thats two that I have met- yes Kim you are the other one. Friday night and its off to a secret party at the Tudor rooms. Dave a guy I work with has been in a war in the gulf. So bedecked in Union Jacks we're away. I found it difficult to square his going with my political beliefs. I wished him well and it appears that we are all celebrating his return which is something to give thanks for. He hasn't had a very good time but he don't make a fuss. I have a few pints of guinees with the mccoy man. Shock our wives by having our picture taken together, Jean calls him my greasy lover, a very derogatory term for a top geezer.
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